Should've Been a (Gay) Cowboy

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
-Garth Brooks

Cowboy love songs aren't really love songs. They essentially talk about not being loved or the inability to love. And essentially that's why I am a cowboy. Much like the now-famous gay cowboy, Ennis from Brokeback Mountain, I find it nearly impossible to show others how much I care for them. Although it was clear Ennis enjoyed his time with Jack, we as viewers were stunned by the scene following the end of the first summer; pounding the wall and crying in an alley, Ennis finally showed an emotion that outsiders didn't know was there.

We didn't see it before because cowboys aren't supposed to show their true feelings. Crying, love and dependence aren't supposed to be seen. They're not supposed to be in their lives. Much like every other truck-drivin' cowboy, I keep those feelings at bay. I've always found showing these emotions to be painful and a strain.

However, just because I don't show them, doesn't mean I don't feel them. There have been few regrets in my life, but the fact that most people I care about don't know I love them, will always be my main regret in life. Although I don't like showing that I love or care, I think it's important for people to know they're loved. But I don't think my family will ever know just how much I appreciate the love and sacrifices they gave for me. I don't think my friends will ever know how much I appreciate their listening ears and words of wisdom. And I don't think the few guys I've cared about will ever know that I truly cared. With all those people, articulating my feelings fails me...usually my words sound insincere, or my actions are inconceivable as one who cares. Thus, I'm trapped in a world where I hate showing my feelings, but when I try, they're unbelievable. It's just easier to not have feelings or to pretend, even to myself, that they don't exist.

Unfortunately, with that comes even more pain. Because even though people may get to know many sides of me, I've unwittingly fooled many into thinking I can't be hurt. That I don't care. So, my heart isn't handled with care. But it beats just the same as everyone elses; maybe even harder. And a heart that's been covered to look hard doesn't bounce when it's dropped; it shatters into pieces. And even after its put back together, some of those pieces are lost forever, only to leave a hole in the heart.

In the words of Rascal Flatts:
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do