My Manifestations

I know a guy who when he gets stressed out, his blood pressure shoots up. I know a girl who gets migraines in stressful times. I know another girl who passes out when stress levels increase too much. Although they're all strong, amazing people, their bodies have a way of telling them when they're doing too much or worrying too much.

Like them, I often deal with stress and emotions on an introspective level. I think about it and mull it over in my mind, not in my mouth. However, the last three years have taught me that even though I try to pretend (even to myself) I'm not stressed or upset, my body's reactions give me away. I may look like I'm all pulled together, but in reality, there's too much goin' on upstairs. Usually, it's just my sleep that's disturbed in times of stress (I often sleep too much or too little, or I have nightmares).

Lately, though, I've been having lots of weird body things going on. As I add them all up, I know I'm way more stressed about dating, careers, and living in general than I would ever admit. But because I'm hoping I can talk about them to help them go away, I'll tell you how my body is manifesting its stress. It's...

1. bringing back severe TMJ pain. It'd been dormant for about eight years. I guess, I'm unknowingly clenching my jaw, especially when I sleep. Whatever the reason, it hurts to talk, yawn, eat, or do anything else that requires opening my jaw.
2. building up knots of stress in unusual places. Usually I just have balls of stress in my shoulders. After going for a massage last week, I realized I have them in my calves now, too. My calves even jerk for no reason other than trying to relax the tense muscles there.
3. making me run. I've run four times in about 12 days. That pretty much qualifies as amazing for me.
4. crying at random times. I hate crying in public, and I feel like an idiot crying at a stoplight in my truck. Yet, I still do it and don't even know the exact reason.
5. drinking caffeine. I had no focus and needed to do some things for my class. Although I rarely have caffeine, I ingested a full can of Coke to help me focus. I hate when I feel I need outside stimulants to make me emote (what alcohol does) or focus and finish tasks (what caffeine does).
6. losing my appetite. I feel hungry often. When I eat, though, I start feeling gross. Soup has been my saviour.
7. having nightmares again. Last night I had a dream that I spilled some drink all over Jonny Moseley (a gorgeous famous skier). He wasn't upset, so we hung out. He helped me clean myself up, and we kept joking around; he had his arm around me the whole time. I was sure he liked me. Then at the end of the dream, two good-hearted kids walked out of some bathroom (not sure where the bathroom fit into the dream, but...) and one recognized me as Jonny's friend. He said something about Jonny being married. What? Sure enough, he was (in the dream, don't know about real life). I felt like an idiot for thinking he actually liked me. Then the dream ended.

I think of the Jonny dream as a nightmare because it alludes to an encounter I had in Cape Cod years ago, showcases my insecurities and worst of all means I'm also freaked out about my success as a travel writer. How it does all of these things, I'll let you figure out.

But I do have to admit, a nightmare with Jonny Moseley is much better than the recurring one I had two years ago when I kept getting strangled by an unknown stranger. I guess I should be happy that my sub-conscious is at least putting hot guys into my nightmares now.