Geek to Chic

Jayna in 1999. Note the long hair, odd choice of clothes for a hair appointment and ill-fitting bra. (I was quite twiggy back then as well...)


My roommate likes Oprah. We often argue about this, and I tell her Oprah's stupid; I've never liked her. In our Oprah discussion a couple of days ago I conceded, "But I didn't grow up with her. I didn't even watch talk shows. Except I liked Ricki Lake. I always loved the ones that were like 'I was a Geek, but Now I'm Chic!' or 'Now I'm Hot, and You're Not!' I guess I always thought about what it would be like for me to do something like that." Insert my silly laugh here.

Roommate's response: "Isn't that basically what you did?"

"Uh, thanks. I didn't think I was that geeky [yes, I'm still in denial]. I pretty much look exactly the same." Puzzled roommate look -- trying to avoid hurting my feelings. I mean, was a geek? [definitely not claiming to be chic] But then, those flannel shirts kept flashing through my mind. And that butt-brushing long hair. I realized, I had changed quite a bit.

So, for the last few days, I've been thinking how I've changed and just how purposeful it was. I mean, I've talked about how different I look, but why did I do it? In high school I always wanted to be someone else...and I never felt strong enough to be that person. Freshman year of college finally started bringing about that change. I stopped hiding in my hair, and chopped that puppy off. I started wearing makeup -- which I credit to Chayce Bingler* and Van Sane*...our Donnelly flirtations sans hair and with Clinique additions were enough to make me realize makeup wasn't the devil. Studying abroad in Australia gave me the confidence to wear skirts. Hollister employment gave me the confidence to wear really short skirts. And the changes just kept coming.

The closest thing to a Geek-to-Chic moment came this spring. On my month-long road trip, I made a pit stop to stay with my college roommate in St. Louie. Before arriving, I called up a guy friend from high school. I hadn't seen him in about five years, but I asked him to gather up some of our other St. Louis livin' high school pals and watch the NCAA championship with me. We sat around having beers (which they'd never seen me do before) and chatting. It was great because although I hadn't seen these five guys in five years or more, it was as though we hadn't lost time. But later that night, I talked to one of the guys on the phone. Before we hung up, he said, "And by the way, we all decided you're hot." Uncomfortable silence. I thanked him. Later that night, though, I realized that comment was really what I had wanted all growing up. Those guys were four of the most popular guys in my grade...but when I so desperately wanted to hear that, I didn't. And me being the proud biznatch I am, refused to change for them/others. Thus, a change ensued only upon leaving my hometown. Granted, soon after, the boys from high school weren't what kept me changing. What kept me changing was the idea that I didn't have to be embarassed of who I am, and I liked the way people treated me differently with my new look (big change was the Chinese foreign-exchange students stopped trying to talk to me in Mandarin...).

And, I'd like to say I am totally confident in my sense of self-worth through beauty, but I'm not. Those same insecurities I felt when I was 17 are still there. I don't know if it's something I will ever fully outgrow. I created a test once...if you were to be set up on a blind date, how would you want to be described? What is the first thing you would want your mutual friend to say about you? My theory is that what you want to be the first thing is the personal quality you're least confident in. And, no matter what, I'd still want my friend to say, "Well, she's the cute girl who..." I mean, after winning the spelling bee in first grade I was pretty confident in my intelligence, and I know I'm funny [Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.]. But I know that others' perception of my beauty will always be where I falter in confidence.

Because no matter how chic I try to become, I'll never forget that I was a geek.

Me and the high school boys in April 2005.

*Yes, still changing names. See, I knew it was funny the first time, and I can't let it go yet.