Help Wanted

University of Missouri Head Basketball Coach
Columbia, MO

Searching for a competent D-I men's coach who can beat schools named after the first president of the Republic of Texas and fill an arena that was once named for a Southern California briber who no longer has a college degree. Job will be effective at the close of this season.

Perks:
-you will be loved by many a Tiger faithful
-you have a brand new arena at your disposal
-many of the players you will inherit were in their class' top 100
-some of the others are set to inherit about $100 million (i.e. there's lots of money to be donated if you play your cards right)
-you will likely be overpayed for your work (even with no head coaching experience and little improvements, you could earn one of the top five salaries of NCAA men's basketball head coaches)

Requirements:
-you must be able to work for one season with a program on probation and with fewer scholarships than the norm (the predecessor wasn't quite knowledgable of NCAA regulations -- despite having recruited previously and receiving a JD from Duke)
-you will read the NCAA regulations and follow them
-you will take the team to the NCAA tournament every year -- whether with the team you inherit or the ones you will recruit
-if, despite hard work and team play, you do not make it to the NCAA tournament, you will not lose in the first round of the NIT
-you will not recruit players who a) rape 13-year-old girls b) smoke weed in their dorm rooms with the university's MSA vice president present c) choke their girlfriends when said girlfriends refuse to watch Roots
-you will avoid rumors that you use cocaine and invite players over for cocktail parties
-you will not pretend to not know what is going on with your program (i.e. know how recruits are being recruited, know how players obtain "pass codes" for athletic program phones)
-you must care more about the appearance of the basketball program than your hair (we must never have to have a conversation with you regarding the length of your hair and professional appearance)
-you will wear black and gold as your basic colors -- keep your previous school's colors off your back while you are on the court

If this position does not quite meet your employment needs, please keep checking back. We hope to be looking for a new Athletic Director in the next few years.