After joking with friends and colleagues for the past four weeks that I'm "unemployed," I have decided to start saying I'm a "full-time freelancer," instead. It's not a complete lie. I am freelance writing, and I'm making some money doing it, so that is what my new occupation is as of right now. See, if I say that, then I don't have to launch into a 15-minute monologue of what "my career" is when people ask what I "do." Wow. I'm really going overboard with the quotation marks. I'll try to hold back.
However, I'm beginning to get very antsy as my return to LA is only two-and-a-half weeks away, and I don't have a job to come home to. In my perfect little world, I would have secured a job two weeks ago. My world isn't perfect, however. With each passing day, I find myself getting a bit more depressed and stressed out. My acne is going haywire. I flipped out on a kid yesterday and had to calm myself with two margaritas (it was 2-for-1). I have been sleeping way too much this past week. But I can't leave my apartment--much has to be done with my new "full-time job."
And this whole finding a staff job bit has been a terrible headache for many reasons. I can't figure out why I'm coming back to LA. I find myself convincing at least one person a day why it's best for me to go back. LA is not the place for work in publishing. I don't like the city. My friends here tell me they want me to stay, and they all make an effort to be with each other and me at least once a week--none of the LA crap where you see someone once a month. Nobody here understands why I'm going back. I'm not sure I do, either. The job market for me in LA is sparse, to say the least. I find myself analyzing every possible opening, and I'm usually not too eager to take the openings there are. I want a job where I will feel the same worthiness I did at the end of a good teaching day. I want a job where I agree with all parts of the magazine's content. Where will I find a job like that in LA? Where will I find a place that will hire me to write and edit? Hell, I can't even get half of my friends to read my blog--why would any publisher in his/her right mind want to hire me to edit for an audience of thousands? By the way: if you're reading this, thank you. You make me feel loved. I know I'm being self-loathing and a bit of a cry baby (and please don't give me your sympathy or say "it will all work out") , but I don't think I can go another day without at least SOME kind of response to one of my resumes. (OK, so I'm overdramatic now, too)
So, this is why I'm in denial. When I think about my actual job situation (and lack thereof), I become angry, sad, annoyed, disillusioned and bitter. Instead of being all those things, I'd rather say I'm a freelance writer. It definitely sounds better to me.
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6 comments:
Dear Full-Time Freelancer,
I won't say "it'll all work out," even though things always do, eventually. I will say that I want you to stay in NY. I'm biased. I adore you, as do many other NYers! I'll also say that I don't really think a magazine job even exists where you happen to agree with ALL of the content. Unless of course, it's RLife. :) xo, Tina
STAY JAYNA STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NY needs you!
No way, Jayna! You are coming back here and that's final. If you can't find a job, you can work for me. You can be my personal assistant. Ha ha ha! You will find a job you love here in L.A. How about writing for television? Publishing empires are out here. How about writing for Hustler???! Or the copy on boxes of porn movies?
It's better to see your friends once a month anyway because you have so many good, worthwhile endeavors to focus on! You have history here. You have The Lunch Club. You have me and I read your blog regularly.
The East Coast just sounds cool now. Wait until the rain, ice, snow, blackouts, streets so crowded that an ambulance can't get through the gridlock, etc., etc. No offense to people who live there - I lived there for over half my life. I just prefer it in California.
Here you have the beach, paradise outside every day, a hundred choices of leisure activities and people who really care about you. Trust me, as a native East Coast-er, California has everything you could possibly want. Maybe not L.A., but somewhere else might be perfect for you. Maybe San Francisco? Or Berkeley? I don't know - there are so many magical, beautiful places to live.
hey, chicadee - miss you. come back to C-town, you know you want to! we can eat mcdonald's all the time and live it up.
by the way, did M tell you the date we were looking at for the game?
Oh! I knew I loved you all for some reason. This totally proves why!
You should become a food scientist. There are many jobs available in this field. I mean, I get to test dairy products (milk, ice cream, etc.) all day! Ooh, and there are tons of food science jobs in the midwest. Aren't you missing good ol' country folk?
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