Screaming Through the Ethernet

Not really sure at all why I decided to post today. Just feel like screaming, and I can't do that. So, what is the next best thing? Turning to an old, run-down blog that nobody knows about or remembers if they do. And just posing the rhetorical question, what the heck did I get myself into? Just wish I could go back to last summer and hit the reset button. So many mistakes. A few good choices, too. But, more mistakes than not. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated.

I suppose we all feel a bit like failures at some point in our lives. But no matter how many times we feel that...not sure that it ever gets better.

Must remember, deep breaths. DEEP BREATHS.

Update

Oh, yeah...so this blog will be out of commission for a while. Now that I'm traveling, I have a travelblog going, and two at the same time was just a little much for me.

If you want to visit the new blog, go to www.ususbaby.com.

And They All Fall Down

One by one, the things of my life are disappearing. Before I left for Missouri, my bedroom became a bare room. On Sunday I sold my living room furniture. Yesterday, I sold my old computer to Sony. Today was the biggest sale of them all; my truck is no longer my truck. I think Devante went to a good home. But I'm still pretty sad.

But do you know how freeing it is to have so few earthly possessions?

Before I Go

Of course there's always family and friends that I'll miss. But on my few previous stints abroad, I missed the weirdest things. Like having anti-perspirant readily available. Or watching baseball games on TV. Or dancing to R&B music without people staring at me like I'm a freak with three heads.

But what I'm pretty sure I'll miss most about America isn't even American. I love Mexican food and being in L.A. for the past four years, I've had lots of good Mexican food. Lately, I've been ODing on any place that serves guacamole, though, and the thought of not having it so available is freaking me out. So, if you know of any good Mexican restaurant in Beijing, let me know.

Ain't No Sunshine

This weekend, the fam and I ate at Steak 'n' Shake (ah, gotta love the Midwest). I noticed my sister was super tan, so we were comparing skin colors. I was the palest of us all. And this even includes my white dad and brother.

I can't wait to get some color on this skin o' mine.

The Show-Me Weather

Saturday's weather was a definite reminder of how much I love equinox seasons of Missouri. Perfectly sunny, a light breeze, and just enough humidity to keep my skin moist but without making me sweat. Ahhh!

Yesterday and today are definitely "hot" qualifiers...but I still LOVE Missouri (non-ice) weather. In fact, I know I love Missouri in general. The weather, the sports teams, the general politeness of people...

Sign Language

I've often stumbled through life looking everywhere for signs. Literally and, probably more often, figuratively I'm constantly searching for definite signs to provide a definite message.

Today, though, I realize that some of those literal signs are just as powerful as the figurative ones I'm seeking.

Remember back when I was quitting teaching, and I got annoyed that I wasn't able to take my welcome-to-my-classroom sign down? Well, once again I'm realizing how final the taking down and putting up of signs are. Today, Devante (my truck, in case you were unaware), began sporting two new "For Sale" signs. Although I'd posted ads online and in my office before today, this just seems so much more final. And for every moment I'm in my dearly beloved truck, I'll be constantly reminded of the fact that he's no longer mine. I know it's silly and that I really shouldn't be this attached to a vehicle, but I can't help but feel a bit sad and helpless.

I just hope he goes to a good home.

Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!

The cat is FINALLY out of the bag. But it's not even really a big secret for most of you...but...

I bought my tickets for a six-month (plus) trip last week. I leave May 10. And I can't wait!!! ARGH!!!

Because some of you probably have the same questions my co-workers/bosses/roommates have had, I'll answer the my-trip-around-the-world FAQ below:

Why did you decide to do this?
I usually tell people it's because I've always wanted to do it, and I feel that now while I'm mortgageless, husbandless, childless, and petless I should do it. But the answer is actually much longer and more complicated than that and will probably get its own post soon. (Forewarning, though, this future answer does have something to do with Roger Clemens)

Where are you going?
As of right now, my tickets have me going through India in the fall. Before that I'll be in Beijing, Seoul, Thailand, Australia, and Malaysia. After that, if I still want to/am able, I may be going on to eastern Africa.

What are you doing with your silverware?
I'll probably see if I can store smaller things like my kitchenware and clothing at a friend's house in LA. All the big things (such as bed, TV, truck), I'm going to sell.

Where are you staying?
I don't know. Hopefully not hostels. I don't do well with that whole "sharing" idea and don't want to wake up to a strange man sleeping underneath me again. But I don't think I can afford a JW every night.

Speaking of money, do you care if I ask how much you'll have on this trip?
Well, the tickets are already bought...and besides the money I have set aside for visas, shots, insurance, etc. it is definitely enough to get me through the first six months even if I don't freelance write at all. But let's just say that it's enough to buy a big trendy Hermes bag (maybe even a few scarves too), a trailer and few acres in my hometown, or a boob job, liposuction, and nose job. If you want to know exact numbers, we can talk off blog.

So you're going to write during the trip?
Of course I'm going to write. But I also do want to use a good portion of my time to volunteer for some really cool programs.

Who's going with you?
It's a one-woman deal. My sister is meeting up with me in Korea...but other than that, I'm doing it solo, Hans.

Aren't you afraid you'll get lonely?
I probably will. But I'll have to get through it.

Will you do a blog?
Well, there's this...but I do plan on making another blog that will be shared with the whole world.

What if I want to call you?
Whoa, Charlie! I haven't even gotten there yet. I'll figure it all out eventually. I'm sure I'll have a phone of some kind.

And that's all for tonight...more answers to come.

Barf-bag Please

Today's barfiest story:
Roy Williams 'speechless' at Hall of Fame

And has he always spoke about himself in the third person? Or only when he's creating jibberish like tarhawks?

I've Got a(nother) Secret

At first it was hard to keep. Now, not so much. I kind of even forget that I've got this secret.

I'll be letting the cat out of the proverbial bag soon, though. I mean, you know me, I can't keep a secret forever.

I Forgot

Things I forgot on my recent trip to NYC/DC:

• deodorant
• pajamas
• towel
• gloves*
• hat*
• sunglasses*

*OK, I didn't forget, I just didn't plan on taking them and should've...



I didn't, however, forget to take pictures...here are lots of pics of me and my pals, me and anything MO that showed up in DC, and me and landmarks.

Die, kansas, Die!*

Are you kidding me?
http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/dating-advice_sports-fan

It kind of reminds me of an article I wrote my senior year of college for Vox. Except mine was basically the opposite of this, or a "how to not be the annoying girl who uses sports to pick up guys" article.

But you know, me walking around muttering "Die, kansas, Die" under my breath for the next couple of weeks might just help me get a hottie who hates the jayhawks. But for some reason, I don't think that'll get me any come'ons, just weird glances. Ah, well...I'll probably do it anyway.

*For those guys who read this and can't resist me because of my witty sports-banter title, well, you know where to find me. But you better agree with me here.

Click, Click, Click, I Can't Hear You!

Yesterday's evidence that I really need to work on my listening skills.

Setting
Coffee shop, busy and quite loud but not enough where you can't have a conversation

Background
A stranger has come and sat next to two roommates, Me and Megan #2. He strikes up a conversation with the two girls after a stranger comes up and engages him in a 15-minute conversation about Unix, a type of computer system.

Strange Guy

Well, it's just something I'm interested in. I guess, I just like learning about things that are kind of related to my job.

Me

Where do you work at now?

Strange Guy

Torrance Unified School District. It's actually a pretty big district...has 30 schools, but we don't use Unix there, so I thought it would be good to learn about.

Megan #2

That's awesome that you're so passionate about your job. There's few people who are that passionate about what they do.

Strange Guy

sldkfnwekrijaowrjawerlknwelkr

Me

(Stops typing and looks up, realizing he's looking at Me, waiting for Me to say something.) Oh, yeah? Why? (Inner monologue: Whew! Great save, Me...he'll never know I wasn't listening to more talk about this Unix thing)

Strange Guy

(obviously perplexed)
Well, I mean, I guess he was just a brilliant man. He really cared about liberty and life.

Me

(obviously perplexed)
Yeah. OK. Mmmhmm. (Inner monologue: How did I miss the transition from Unix to Patrick Henry?)

Megan #2

(trying to save Me)
That's great that you're so geeked up about something. I mean, one time I found this book that I was totally geeked up about...

Later Megan #2 tells me what "sldkfnwekrijaowrjawerlknwelkr" was. When she starting talking about his passions, I guess he said, "Well, my real passion is Jesus Christ and spreading his teachings."

The Worst Part About...

I've found two major problems with having my toenail hacked into:
1. I can't get pedicures every month although I'm actually paid to do this
2. Although it's 90+ degrees outside right now, I can't go to the beach for fear I'll get a nasty nail infection

Rats.

You Won't Believe Where I Am Right Now

OK. That's a lie. If you know me at all, you'd believe it. I'm sitting by myself at a sports bar, so I can watch the MU/Baylor game that is set to start in about 10 minutes.

Why? Well, because we don't have the internet at our house right now, and this bar has free wireless. A sports bar with free wireless? SO much better than a stupid coffee shop that breaks my concentration with "poetry readings" and charges more for a cup of hot chocolate than this place charges for a beer. And I just got a Boca burger and onion rings with nacho cheese. Ahhh...

Becoming Agape

"I love you," a friend recently said to me as we ended our phone conversation. At first it took me by surprise, but then I was happy she said it. Then a few days later, another friend did the same thing. I again couldn't help but smile. I mean, I was LOVED. By at least TWO people.

Now, I realize that for most of us, "love" has many connotations. And the love that my friends were expressing is different than the kind of love that I hope to someday have with one special lover. Or the kind of love I feel for my parents and siblings. But it is an important love, nonetheless, that I felt is the kind I most overlook.

Well, I felt that way until a few special new girl friends in my life had me start thinking about the Fruits of the Spirit and agape and how different we would live our lives if we knew that WE were truly loved. So, I've taken it upon myself to start trying to love EVERYONE. And I don't have to love them as my own family members or even as a dear friend. But I have to love them without selfish regard. This, I have realized is the love I most often overlook. Working toward including this love in my life is also, just so you know, one of the most difficult things I could have ever set out to do.

I mean, I really don't want to love the idiotic California driver who cut me off. I want to honk. Then honk again. Then when she looks at me scream through my closed window so she can't hear me but only imagine the profanities I'm yelling at her. Nor do I want to love the grocery store cashier who refuses to make eye contact while speeding through swiping my groceries just so she can look at her fingernails. Nor do I want to love the cheap customer who leaves a measly tip after demanding enough time and attention from me that I had to neglect other customers far nicer than he.

In all honesty, though, these people may temporarily annoy me, but reminding myself to react to their actions with agape instead of anger is much easier than loving others that I should already love. I've had the hardest time not responding with sarcasm to an annoying coworker, or joining in on a negative conversation about a friend's less-desirable personality traits, or being selfish and not offering my roommates the same courtesy of driving them north when one of them had JUST done the same thing for me two nights before. I want to be really selfish and self-indulgent and make myself look and feel better at the expense of others. But that is not love. So, I'm trying to love. Trying oh so hard.

20 Years of Valentines

At age 6: My parents help decorate a shoebox for my first-ever Valentine's Day party. Lots of doilies and pink and red construction paper go into making the perfect box to shove my expected Valentine's into. The day ends with being stuffed with lots of cupcakes and red punch (that's me, and not the box that's stuffed with that).

At age 11: I now make my own doilied and pink and red box. And spend way too much time analyzing which of the five pre-worded Valentine's in the theme-box-o'-Valentines I should give to each classmate. I end the day with spending way too much time analyzing what each received Valentine REALLY means about my relationship with said classmate.

At age 16: I don't have any boxes for Valentine's anymore. The girls with boyfriends get bouquets of flowers delivered to the office. It's not that I want a boyfriend, but I do want to get that note telling me to pick up my delivery at the office. I end the day with my mom asking a stupid question about why I don't have a boyfriend.

At age 21: Although all my roommates have boyfriends, two of them aren't in town. So we still hang out and have a good time. I end my day comforting the roommate whose boyfriend is in town...they got into a fight, and she came home early.

At age 26: I have to answer to way too many people why I'm stuck working on Valentine's Day night. But I notice that there are WAY more lonely and sad adult guys on Valentine's Day than there are girls. As much as single girls get sad on V-Day, I think there comes an age when guys do even more. I realize that working made this my best Valentine's Day ever; I end the day knowing I'm not the only one who ponders my single life...and with a bit more money too.

Interview with Wendy (or Good Kopp, Bad Kopp as SC Says)

In case you didn't see this...

Check Out These Guns

My legs? They've always been pretty muscular. My arms? Not so much. I've always had pretty puny upper limbs.

So I have to say that the best part of being a server is the kick-arse arms I've recently noticed sprouting up. Which, considering I haven't been to the gym since July is pretty darn awesome. Now if I can only figure out a way for serving to give me a six-pack (of abs, not beer).

Am I Alone?

Do you ever get confused about life? Sometimes I feel like everyone else has their lives figured out...or that you're just not thinking about it as much as I do.

It's not that I want to ponder the meaning of life (and mine in particular) all the time. I just can't help but feel that if I don't think about it, then I'll wake up one day and be old, poor, single (save one pitiful cat I'll probably rescue from the throes of death), and in a job I never loved. And that scares me more than being young, poor, single, and still wondering if there will ever be a job I love. So, I sit and consider everything I should be doing to not be these things in 15 years. And I've no idea where to start.

And sometimes my confusion is almost as bad as feeling as though I'm the only one confused.