Up until a year and two months ago, my life had a definitive plan. Everything was laid out for me. It was simple and logical. Finish high school. Go to college. Join Teach For America. Now that all that is done, I'm lost. I've got no blueprint for life. What society does give me is the idea that I should be dating now, get married, and have 2.5 kids. Then, maybe I can join the rest of the adult population and get a divorce because he/I am having a mid-life crisis or decide "I never loved you." That's the only guidance life has given me.
But that's not good enough for me. I'm a woman who loves my ability to choose, yet I still desperately want a plan in life...just not THAT plan. If God were a life coach laying it all out there for me, I'd tell him "Whoa, Chucko...that doesn't work for everyone. You're gonna have to ditch that generic one and give me one that makes sense for me."
But God isn't channeling himself through Tony Little anytime soon. So for now, I'm stuck trying to pencil in my own plans -- to no avail. Every day is a different mood for me. Somedays I love my job, and I never want to leave Southern California. Other days I can't wait to leave everything that L.A. has.
I've recently decided that all this uncertainity stems from my inability to locate my passion in life. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I love to do. Nor do I know what I'm good at. This week after tiring of writing at the full-time job and having a personal essay (nicely) rejected from a freelance idea I had, I'm feeling that I was never meant to be a writer. Then, I wonder what it was that made me want to be one in the first place.
Generally that traces back to 1st grade when Mrs. M told me I should be one. (See, I told you I liked plans laid out for me) But if she'd never said that, would that be what I thought I had wanted out of life? Would I write if I didn't care what others thought and didn't listen to them?
I don't know...so for now, I allow myself to be a mediocre writer because I'm not sure I love it. And I haven't stumbled upon the next step yet.
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4 comments:
I hear that siser! KUDOS. (and i'm giving my 2 weeks notice at my job today for basically the same reason...and because of finances).
Interesting! Salutations.
Peace.
Dominic Ebacher
ebacherdom.blogspot.com
It is good to know that there are others out there. I had a plan for my life and then my dad died and here I am trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I love Justin and I want this house we are buying but at the same time I feel like it is a trap. I feel like we should be getting engaged and I want to but sometimes I think I want to in order to prove others wrong.
When in doubt I watch Little Black Book...it makes me laugh about my life. Especially when Britney Murph quotes John Lennon, ""Life is what happens when we are busy making plans." And then he got shot."
If you ever want some insights from an empathetic (Qualified/practicing) Professional coach ... or just an ear to bend drop me a line...
and mention this blog.
Clairity is often less elusive than we may think...
And sometimes it's just a matter of asking a better question to find that elusive answer.
Cheers,
Beth
artiste@iinet.net.au
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