Sex Toys and Dreams

Yesterday I went with two friends to a store selling all forms of sex toys. Now, let me tell you, the only time I've been in a store such as this has been to buy gag gifts for bridal showers. This time, however, said friends were actually considering buying things for themselves. This was a new side to "toy" shopping for me. I, however, could not get the image out of my head of my oldest sister. (Yes, this is not going to be quite as risque as the title sounds) When I was about nine, I recall a time when my oldest sister (the one I never talk about or sometimes leave out of the sibling count) left the house to live somewhere else. My mother was cleaning out her room and discovered a vibrator in a purse in her closet. Silence. Uncomfortable moment between mother and me. Mother quickly puts it away and thinks I don't know what it is. So, this is what I thought of repeatedly as we perused the fun of Babeland.

When I slept last night, I had a dream of this oldest sister. This is weird for many reasons. I have not seen her since I was a senior in high school. The last time I spoke with her was when I 20 -- she called me in my dorm room at college; I convulsed in tears during the entire conversation and refused to talk to anyone for hours. So, I rarely think of her -- out of sight, out of mind. But, when I do, I become confused about things like life, family and love.

For whatever reasons she couldn't take her life in Missouri. She walked out on us: parents who gave everything they could (physically and monetarily) to help her, sisters who joked around with her, and a son that still does not understand why she left without a goodbye. She had left many times (as evidenced by the time when she was 19), but she always came back. But something in her changed in her late 20s. She married a jerk, and he controlled her life. Now, she has chosen to be unfindable. My parents finally adopted her son a couple of years ago; even a private investigator couldn't track her to sign the papers.

So, obviously this person is a source of confusion for me. I am baffled at how someone can turn their back on people who obviously loved them for a need for romantic love -- she was always one for showing low self-esteem, but being with her second husband was the clencher. Her desire to feel desired overpowered everything else. I am also baffled at how we as people can love someone who does not love us back. Bafflement #3: how we can say we aren't hurt when people do not love us back. For the past six years I've been brushing her off in conversations. I attribute her actions to serious mental problems (which I no doubt believe could be there), and I say it doesn't matter any more. But my dream last night made me think about how I truly feel. For the past few years I've thought about using my stealthy journalism skills to track her down (I have an unfailing confidence in my research abilities), but I don't even know what I would say if I found her. I don't even know if I would want to say anything. For all I know, her downward spiral of self-hatred and drug use has produced someone who will only use me for money (that is why she called me when I was 20).

Last night, though, there was Leslie showing up unexpectedly at Christmas (which happened a couple of times while I was in high school). She looked just like she did when I was in middle school. Everyone in the family was happy to see her. She gave us all gifts and hugs. The family was big and happy. It was as though no time had passed. The dream ended with her leaving and me rushing over to her. Before she left, I pulled out a picture I have in an album at my parents' home. In it, I'm three, Trina's six, Leslie's 13 -- we're all truly smiling. "See, I never forgot you!" I tell her. "I'm glad you're home."