Can You See Me Now?

New photos have been added to my online kodak photos. There are the long-awaited ones from Naked Nina's visit, and I also finally added some from December/October that I was slow putting up.

See Nina here.
See random pics here.

Have Fun Will Travel

There is this whole world out there, and I'm dying. Dying for two things: to see it all and to change it. Which will win?

As I'm getting more and more settled into the job, I'm realizing how much I have to set goals for my professional life. I fear I will be in this same job for 10 years and unhappy after three. I know this job is not for the rest of my life, and I have to prepare myself now for what will come after I leave. That is why I created a freelance Web site (up for about two weeks now, woohoo!), and that is also why I'm taking another mediabistro course. I know I'm supposed to be watching my money and dropping close to $500 on a travel-writing course doesn't seem like the wisest decision, but I felt I had to do it.

Since college I've been doing things based on the assumption that I would one day be a travel writer -- that's why I did an independent study photo course on landscapes and how I convinced the HRM teacher to let me take Professional Beverage Management senior year. That's also why I'm working hard at my current job. All will put me into a position to know more about travel or be able to better land freelance writing gigs on places.

And then I had my STRS (state teachers retirement system) money that is sitting around...money that will fund my around-the-world trip if I decide to ever do it. As this travel-writing course approached, I rationalized that taking $500 of that money to do the course would be an investment of that cash. That money would help me earn loads of money on a trip.

Now enrolled, I wait for the first class. And question what I'm doing with my life. Do I want to just travel the globe for the next 50 years and write about it? No. I want to do journalism that makes a difference. While getting paid well to write about luxury spas, I want to be paid little to write about big problems. I want to change maybe not lives but at least thoughts. I want to inform people. I want the world to be a better place because I existed.

So, as I sat today in chuch and pondered my existence, I realized that travel writing will be my gateway. Well, actually, I remembered that...I remembered that the whole reason I wanted to return to journalism was to either launch my own publication and/or become a journalism professor who pushes her students to make their own changes.

I must remember why I'm doing what I'm doing. Money will come if I need it. Fulfillment...the earth will bring me that.

This Hurts

I can't move. I normally don't blog at work, but I hurt so bad, that I can't actually concentrate today. Tylenol does not help. Sleep made it worse. Sitting or standing, nothing feels better...I just want to wake up in two days and be normal.

Yesterday, Heather, Nina and Nina's Peace Corps friend and I went snowboarding. Well, Heather and Nina's friend went snowboarding. Nina and I learned.

It was a great time...I loved it! And Heather and Nina's friend were amazing teachers. They were so patient and positive (um, reminded me of why Heather was still teaching and I wasn't...). By the end of the day, I felt like I'd learned a lot.

However, my body is severly paying for it now. My knees are red and swollen. My butt feels like it's going to fall off. My neck must have been put through a wringer. Then there's the sore muscles, too. I honestly haven't felt like this since middle school: basketball season would start, and those 3 miles at the first practice (when I hadn't done anything truly athletic for the past nine months) killed all my muscles. And that's what I feel like today.

I need sleep!

But it hurts to lie down, too.

OK, I Am Already a Dinosaur

I have lots of gadgets, and I like playing with them; however, actually getting them is a huge pain for me. The iPod? I'd thought about it for years...but until the gifting, I never could break away from the good ol' CD and Walkman phase. My cellphone? Up until last June, my screen was monochromatic. My DVD player? I still bought the one that had the VCR too. It's hard for me to leave my old ways behind.

That is why this week's news on cameras breaks my heart...and will soon break my bank account. Earlier, Nikon announced they will no longer be making most of their film cameras. I just bought my Nikon SLR last March. So, now I've got to scramble to get all the accessories I can for it before they run out. And I'm lucky I didn't sell my lower-end Minolta, because today they announced they're not making cameras AT ALL anymore. My film cameras will be relics one day...and it kills me because they STILL take far better photos than digital cameras at this point.

Which has been why I've been reluctant to buy a digital SLR (I mean I plunked down nearly a grand on a Nikon film camera, when I could've bought a digital one last year). They're too easy...the lighting is bad...and they're much more sensitive to rough handling. But next time I find myself with $2000 to spend, looks like I'll be buying a digital Canon Rebel.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that kodak never stops producing film. Then I'll be really unhappy. And with two useless cameras. That I'll probably still keep.

College Cure

When I was missing college...an old friend comes along and reminds me that I can still have fun. This weekend, a fellow ex-teacher and TFA alum came to visit, and yesterday was spent at the Hermosa pier. Good times.

Silly pictures.

So THAT'S What I Wanted!

Super excited. I was cleaning my room and in the process, I had to clean out my planner/address book. In one pocket I found the DVD I'd been looking for since my hard drive was wiped clean. This DVD has all the photos and documents I'd created prior to May 2005. When my hard drive was abolished, I was most sad that I'd lost "My 50 Life Goals" list. Obviously, that was the first thing I opened. This is the third time I've updated it since I created the list in December 2003.

I actually only have 45 items on the list...I wanted to leave space to add more. Since Feb. 2005, I was able to cross off four more items. So, out of 45 goals, I've actually accomplished 15. That's a pretty good number for two years worth of goal-seeking...however, looking at this list, there are some...

Major Surprises (or ones I'd forgotten were ever a life goal for me):
19. Get married
28. Work in Australia
34. Pay off all my student debt by 2010
38. Go to Thailand

I no longer want to do:
8. Write a book of poetry
25. Finish NY scrapbook
32. Run a marathon
36. Learn how to oil paint

That I didn't even realize I'm working on doing at some point in the near future:
5. Be published in Los Angeles magazine (no, no assignments, just racking my brain for pitches after meeting an assigning editor)
17. Go to South Korea
23. Learn how to play the guitar

That I think are pretty feasible and won't take much:
18. Visit Florida
26. Drive up the coast of California
37. Learn how to make the perfect salsa
45. Go skydiving

So, I've got space for five more...well, nine if I take off the ones I no longer want to do. Hmmm...nine more goals...what to add, what to add?

Ready, Ready, Ready...Ready to Run

I was never a quitter. Growing up, I stayed with things until I could no longer. Although I was a clutz with no grace, I stayed with ballet until my teacher moved. Although I was 5'4" and wanted (to no avail) be a forward, I stuck with basketball until I graduated from high school. Although I was always the second-chair saxophone (but desperately wanted to be first), I never quit.

I was not a quitter, but somewhere, my too-tight anus gave out; I stopped being a perfectionist. It was gradual in college, but TFA just forced me into quitting things. I was forced into chasing non-profit pipe dreams that they told me were impossible. "Every child deserves a chance" I was told at every turn of my training...then as my first year of teaching unraveled, they discreetly told me, "there are some kids you can't change. You can't sacrifice other students' education for theirs." So, I gave up on "saving" some. And thus began my love affair with quitting. When a brilliant unit plan wasn't delivering, what was I advised? "Do what works..." quit what you're doing and make the best with what you have.

Now, quitting is far too commonplace for me. As soon as something loses my peak interest or presents too much of a challenge, I peace out. In the last year or so, things I've quit: teaching, softball team, reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X and many others. Things I started but have conveniently "not had enough time for": surfing, playing the guitar and writing my novel. Now I've got a whole new slew of things that I don't want to quit, but I've tempted to run from because I'm challenged: creating my freelance Web site, working on long stories at the job and trying to figure out dating.

Yes, I want to quit many things. When things get challenging, I prefer to ingore the challenge and quit. However, I look at the things that I did quit and the things that I have wanted to quit, and there is one striking difference. I haven't quit the latter. For some reason something keeps me going. My life would be simpler without those things, which aren't completely necessary, and I'm sure I'd be just as happy if I did quit. But the challenges I've faced haven't been enough to make me run...just enough to make me ready to.

I Miss U.

Although this weekend's movies were entertaining, the most entertaining 2 1/2 hours I've seen in the last three days was the video I just watched of my last 2 1/2 weeks of college. I was missing my college friends a bit, and I thought this would cure it. It was the perfect dose of something. That's for sure.

As I watched a three-night stint which included Harpo's, Senior Sendoff and a night after Big 12 campus, I realized just how crazy Jayna used to be (and just how easily she could've been mistaken for a hussy). And I noticed how freaking hilarious I was as well. I miss the old Jayna: the one who tells other people's secrets to a whole group of people, the one who forced random guys to break dance in the dining room, the one who told #24 from Oklahoma he was a loser because he didn't know what a Sooner was. ("I know what a Tiger is!" was my response.)

And I of course miss Harpo's. I know I talk about this place way too much, but really, it wasn't the place (I tried Harpo's once on a Saturday non-game night, and it wasn't pretty). It was the people who showed up there on a Thursday night that I miss. If the bar from the TV show Cheers were transplanted into my life, Harpo's would be it. That bar was a place where everybody(or at least the cool ones, hehehe) knew my name and were always glad I came. And it had everything a girl could ask for: quarter draws (or whiskey sours), photo hunt and a really cute bartender who gave me free shots (who I TOTALLY forgot about until about an hour ago -- dang, why was I so shy in college?).

But more than Harpo's I miss the people who came to Harpo's and the people in general that were from that time. This video served as a great reminder of the wonderful people I was surrounded by in college. I had my roommates, rLife crew, the freshman-year kids, the NY crowd, the magazine peeps, SAB folk, the res. life people...the list goes on and on. And I miss you all. I miss the times we spent teasing each other, the times we joked about Ranly (who I totally forgot fell asleep during the graduation speeches), the times you teased me about how innocent I was freshman year, the times staying late in Hearnes just to bask in the atmosphere, the times we ate and drank at the Berg, the times we wrote messages on my notes back and forth about a guy in class and idiot me let him borrow the notes, the times spent harassing baseball players from around the Big 12, the times spending Sundays eating burgers at Boone's, the times I told you way more personal information than you needed to know, the times I convinced you that you had told your personal information to someone else and that's how they knew, the times just chillin' in the house. In short, I miss you. I miss the carefree life we had in college. I miss me, too.

Performance Space

I'm still in shock. I have seen two of the best performances in years over the last two days. First off, who would've known that a Housewife could be such a convincing transexual? Felicity Huffman was amazing, and the story was just as intriguing. Transamerica made me question my own beliefs about gender identity, and I like a good challenge.

Today's movie was Brokeback Mountain. I fell in love with Heath Ledger when I saw 10 Things I Hate About You during high school. I love him even more after this movie. I couldn't take my eyes off him the whole time. There was something in his expressions that made me believe him and made me hurt. It was a beautifully written love story...and I have to admit that it captured the pain and insecurities that almost all relationships have -- which is something most movies can't do these days.

Ah, good job, Hollywood. Now. I need to sleep and dream about Heath.

iDecision

A surprise Christmas gift this year was an iPod Nano. I'm having oodles of fun playing with it. However, as I uploaded music to it yesterday, I was faced with a dilemma. What would be the first song I would purchase from iTunes for the new gadget?

This was an important decision. Why? I remember listening to records when I was a wee child, so I remember what my first cassette was: Michael Jackson's Bad. Years later I moved into the techno-advanced world and bought my first CD: PM Dawn (didn't they only have one album?). So, I know years from now I would remember the day and the song. I could possibly smile at the classicness of choice (like I do with Michael Jackson) or cringe at the thought of how pop-ified I was (like I do with PM Dawn). Alas, I gave into my pop-wannabe side. My first iTunes purchase was Pussycat Dolls' Stickwitu. Well, it could be a classic some day. Maybe.

"My" Team

Rooting for the home team was a suggestion one service journalism piece gave for people who move cities and are trying to make new friends. That suggestion sickened me when I read it in college, and it sickens me now. Just because you live near a team is no reason to like it. And I hate those people who do.

The last week has been a pain in my arse because I had weave my way in and out of USC "fans." These people don Trojan clothing and act as though they've been fans for life. These are the people I want to tell to get a life. So, in an effort to vent, I've compiled a list of unacceptable reasons that pseudo-fans use for claiming fan status.

1. I like the uniform colors.
2. I like the mascot.
3. I like cheering for a winning team.
4. It's the only team I've ever seen play.
5. I don't know who to cheer for.
6. I married into it/my boyfriend/girlfriend is a fan.
Actually 7. My ________ is a fan.
8. _________ is hot.
9. _________ seems really nice.
10. Pretty much anything that has nothing to do with the game...

This could be one of the only times I want Texas to win anything. At least I won't have to hear about USC and Matt Leinert for the next year.

RE: solutions

My life and personality have some problems. One of the things I have most recently begun to dislike about myself is how I communicate with others. I normally (in fact probably never) have made New Year's Resolutions, but last night I decided I would make a couple relating to communications:
1. I will listen when people talk. This means I won't just be thinking about another story that I can tell. I will ask them questions. I will not just say, "fun!" or "sounds like fun!" in response to a comment that I was either barely listening to or when I can't figure out a way to relate said comment/story to my own life.
2. I will be nicer to strangers. I will make eye contact and smile when others initiate conversations. I will talk to others as if I were in Missouri or New York...or somewhere that isn't LA because I'm much friendlier outside of LA; I will strike up conversations with others on a regular basis.

My only problem is that these are not measurable goals. Ah, well...guess that means I'll have to count on friends to hold me accountable.